I Wonder How She Will Sleep

It is 6:15 AM and I have been awake all night thinking, praying, reading, and thinking more… Hypervigilance is something I’ve grown accustomed to over most of my life.  Sleep comes with exhaustion most nights/days…

This past night after reading about the revisions to Markey’s bill and her reasons (which make no sense if justice is truly a reality in NY),  I wonder how she will sleep when it sinks in all those abandoned by her arbitrary cutoff of those who have suffered the longest from the scars of abuse.

I fluctuate between anger and hurt and frustration.

I have also had to come to grips with my own spirituality in all this–what  I believe as a Christian.  I believe that forgiveness and accountability are not opposed, and healing is supported by both.  One does not negate the other.

I learned that to confess one’s sin and be forgiven required contrition, a firm resolution to amend one’s life, and restitution.  Justice in that light is actually mercy as well.

All that has been ripped from victims of abuse, regardless of where they are personally on their road as survivors.

I find myself praying that others over the age of 53 are supported as they face this betrayal.  I worry about the despair that this can bring.  That’s what some of my prayer was about this night…as I kept watch, again.

I’m left thinking about the lack of sorrow, by the abusers, by the Church hierarchy, by the politicians–and somehow it adds to the darkness of the night.

It is good to see the sun rise and grasp hope, and know there is One who causes the sun to rise again, and again.


~ by caitfinnegan on June 11, 2009.

4 Responses to “I Wonder How She Will Sleep”

  1. Whilst I feel for you I was also with the sisters of mercy and I can honestly say that those years are the only reason I am alive to-day
    I have nothing but fond memories of the Nuns in Killarney (the Sister of Mercy)
    It is only what happened after I left the Nuns, My spirit stopped growing.
    I was sent to the Christian Brothers in Tralee and Artian My childhood died then!
    I marched along the streets of Dublin yesterday but all the time I was conscious that not all the members of the religious orders were Monsters, they must be so terrible sad to see all their work tarnished by the few rotten apples that were amongst them.
    I have found that there is no satisfaction in harbouring Hate and revenge.
    Carrying around bitterness all your life is just wasting time
    It is with the act of kindness that I learned from the Mercy Nuns of Killarney all those years ago that I can live for the present and have hope for the future
    After all I have my own children and nothing could take away the happiness I have received from then
    Best wishes to you

  2. Thank you! I agree with you 100% about the good religious. My heart aches for those I know and don’t know who were and are today good, who serve others with mercy and love.

    For their sakes as well as the past victims, and to avoid future ones I just want to see the Church purged. A place of love in this world that can shine like that city on the hill…

    I too am grateful for my family. My heart goes out to those who were not able to create lasting bonds of love or find any healing. Those are the ones for whom I am worried today.

    Thanks so much for your response!

  3. Hi,

    I hae been trying to find the where abouts of a num for years. I contacted the Vatican and did not even get the courtesy of a reply. I tried to go through a priest freind of mine, but I think he knew what I was up too. To complicate matters. I know that shorty afer I graduated and left the convent this woman left the order, married and had 5 kids. Any ideas as to how I trace her?

  4. While I appreciate there are alot of nuns in Killarney that did a fantastic job I also have memories of a few that today as an adult I would like to see and have five minutes with to give them a taste of their own medicine, one in particular who I hope has been dammed to hell for all her effort was a Sister Luarry Marie, I hope she rots in hell and question what happened in her own life to turn her into the monster I remember teaching at the Mercy Convent Killarney in the 1970’s.

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