I Wonder How She Will Sleep

It is 6:15 AM and I have been awake all night thinking, praying, reading, and thinking more… Hypervigilance is something I’ve grown accustomed to over most of my life.  Sleep comes with exhaustion most nights/days…

This past night after reading about the revisions to Markey’s bill and her reasons (which make no sense if justice is truly a reality in NY),  I wonder how she will sleep when it sinks in all those abandoned by her arbitrary cutoff of those who have suffered the longest from the scars of abuse.

I fluctuate between anger and hurt and frustration.

I have also had to come to grips with my own spirituality in all this–what  I believe as a Christian.  I believe that forgiveness and accountability are not opposed, and healing is supported by both.  One does not negate the other.

I learned that to confess one’s sin and be forgiven required contrition, a firm resolution to amend one’s life, and restitution.  Justice in that light is actually mercy as well.

All that has been ripped from victims of abuse, regardless of where they are personally on their road as survivors.

I find myself praying that others over the age of 53 are supported as they face this betrayal.  I worry about the despair that this can bring.  That’s what some of my prayer was about this night…as I kept watch, again.

I’m left thinking about the lack of sorrow, by the abusers, by the Church hierarchy, by the politicians–and somehow it adds to the darkness of the night.

It is good to see the sun rise and grasp hope, and know there is One who causes the sun to rise again, and again.

Markey’s Betrayal of 1/3 of Those Abused!

The New York Times wrote that Assemblywoman Markey has revised her bill which was originally intended to give those who have been sexually abused a chance at justice, healing, and some sense of control over their lives by holding those who abused them accountable.

Not only did she add the revision to include those abused in public schools, which was a positive thing, but she added that the cut-off for those allowed a year window to justice would be age 53.

For years I have prayed, and waited for NY State to come of age and offer victims true justice.  I was certain Assemblywoman Markey “got it” and by sticking to her guns would trail blaze through the political mire and Church stonewalling  for those of us who have been abused to finally have our day in court.  My heart is broken.

She has, by adding this cut-off age, re-offended those abused and carrying the wounds and scars the very LONGEST!

This change has all the earmarks of a woman who has been threatened.

All of them!

Now, I pray the bill is squashed…which is the intent of those who threatened her because they KNEW those of us who need this bill the most and who’ve prayed the longest for it would now turn against it–as would ANY NY State senator who has any compassion or sense of justice in this issue.

I pray now that this fails as it has been revised, or that the legislature sees through the hardball tactics and revises it AGAIN to return to an opportunity for justice for the VICTIMS.

If this bill passes as it currently reads NY State will be screwing victims AGAIN, in addition to the abuse by the Church.

Those who oppose justice for ALL victims have never had their children raped or molested–or, beware, maybe they just don’t know about it yet!  It takes decades for it to be faced, as we know.

Cait Finnegan

New York State Statute of Limitations War

The current news in NY State is that the Bill introduced by Assemblywoman Markey from Queens, NYC  is being fought by the Church because it was seen to be unfair by addressing only abuse victims of private schools (the public schools being protected by some English law from ancient history).  So, Assemblywoman Markey has taken them at their word that the Church really is concerned for fairness and justice for ALL children and not only Catholic victims!  Good on her…she changed her bill to reflect the concerns of the Church!  Ha!

Will the bishops back down now that all children will be protected by this proposed bill?  Or is she calling their bluff and letting them paint themselves into a moral corner with their own words which have stated this bill, with its one year window for law suits, would bankrupt the Church?   I think the latter.

The concern over bankruptcy is real.  The bishops know this.  They have calculators!  They can do the math.  They start by saying, OK We have X number of sexual abusers in our midst.  Multiply that by the average number of victims such abusers generally have in a lifetime of their “work” and then subtract from that subtotal those victims who are strong enough today, who have the support system in place to publicly state the truth about the horror of their youth, and BINGO!  You’ve got bankruptcy!  That is how they are telling us there are SO MANY ABUSERS!!!  That even those few who have the strength finally to come forward would be cause for the financial ruin of the Church in NY State.  (You don’t believe that for one minute do you?  Nah, it’s just to make us feel bad, you know.)

So, we see from this fear of financial ruin that the bishops know full well about the abusers in their midst!  They are preparing for it to come out, that’s all.  But they know because many of us have already reported the abuse.  It just has not been made public because the civil law protects the abusers.

Well, while they are doing the math, I suggest they consider other numbers.  First there are the numbers of tears shed by victims and their families.  There are the number of sleepless nights over many years.  There are the number of pills taken to function or numb pain.  There are the number of drinks taken to forget.  There are the number of days in school or work missed. There are the number of jobs lost.  There are the number of bills unpaid because of disfunction.  There are the number of divorces because of intimacy issues.  There are the number of hospitalizations for mental breakdowns.  There are the numbers of suicides for those who lost hope.  There are the number of continued tears through the years and into old age.

They will need powerful calculators to tally all that, if they care to, that is.

You can read about the recent change in the bill here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/04/nyregion/04abuse.html

Sexual Abuse By Nuns? Yeah…Sad but true.

I fully understand that the topic of this blog is not going to be popular, and for that I am thankful.  If it were something people would enjoy hearing about, something that would NOT be shocking then it would make it all the more sad.  Still, unwelcomed news or not, it is a reality, and one that has been ignored, and overshadowed by the sexual abuse by male religious and clergy.  Abuse by women is generally not something expected, and often not believed.

I begin this blog, on this topic for those reasons–it is not expected and believed by many.  Others,  who in some part of their mind know it happens, simply just don’t want it to be true…  All of this is understandable, as religious women are perceived as the last bastion of purity to which the Church can cling during these scandalous times.  But, in truth, that is not so.  There is One to Whom we can cling Who is Perfect, and because of that we can deal with the imperfect in life.

Many people who have been abused by nuns hesitate to talk about it.  Women hesitate more than men.  I’m still learning about all the reasons, and all the dynamics involved.  Sexual abuse leaves scars that last for life.  Dealing with those wounds and scars, and surviving through daily life is a challenge for many of us.  Silence sometimes is a kind of defense which allows victims to hide from the pain (for a while).  Knowing only silence, they can get to feel comfortable with what they know.  Never knowing the freedom of stepping out of that circle of pain, it is a fearful first step.  I hope this blog will help others do just that.  I also hope it might raise awareness of this terrible reality, lost in the midst of other terrible abuse scandals.

Cait